Let me tell you something about Heathcliff. 

We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It’s so embarrassing. I don’t even… Whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend Edgar who was totally gorgeous but more different from me than a moonbeam from lightening, and Heathcliff was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow him off to hang out with Edgar, he’d be like, “Why didn’t you call me back?” And I’d be like, “Why are you so obsessed with me?” So then, when I got engaged to Edgar, which was an ‘no degrading people allowed’ engagement, I was like, “Heathcliff, I can’t marry you, because I think that doing so would degrade me.” I mean I couldn’t marry someone who would degrade me. There were gonna times that I didn’t want to be poor. I mean, right? He was DEGRADING. So then he ran away and I sat in the rain, it was so retarded. And then he disappeared because no one would talk to him, and he came back in the fall after my wedding, he was totally sexy and not at all degrading, and now I guess Edgar is jealous of him.